8. annoyingDoing something or experiencing something at such a level that it becomes annoying. (like listening to too much ska, or radiohead)
Dear sir/madam, Please desist said action because it's unbeleivably irritating. If this request is not met within an adequate amount of time, I will kill you with a rusty shovel
I've worked in hospitality doing grunt work at the back of house and leg work at the pointy end. Each person has their role to fulfill and mostly it's straight forward compared to my life in the corporate world, but why is it that in restaurants, so often it doesn't come together well?
Here are my dining gripes for 2007. Feel free to chime in...
Pet hates in dining
Menus gone global, listing everything from pasta to nachos and oriental themed dishes, none of it executed well – too cheap to hire a chef, they fast tracked the apprentice and the short order guy?
Menus that are too wordy and list every thing every technique – I don’t need to know it all, I’ll taste it
Menus that read well, but don’t deliver in the execution – you got someone else to write it for you, spun some ideas to a consultant who doesn’t actually cook there, and your chef doesn't have the
skill to match it
Bad spelling on menus – you need the consultant to proof read your menu
Restaurant websites or PR that declares that there is a coeliac or vegetarian menu but they don’t actually deliver on that promise – ever seen a table for ten walk out without ordering?
Restaurant websites that are not updated with current information – get with the program people, it’s cheaper for most to surf online than buy food guides
Restaurants that don’t confirm reservations or return calls – we have no recollection of your booking – WTF!
Excessively elaborate combinations of flavours that overpower the produce – too cheap to hire a chef, they fast tracked the apprentice and the short order guy?
Fusion Cuisine where neither the Occidental nor Oriental has been mastered before splicing together ingredients from the opposite culture – too cheap to hire a chef, they fast tracked the apprentice and the short order guy?
Poor culinary technical skills – you want to be a celeb chef but couldn’t be bothered getting the basic training, so faked your resume
Celebrity Chefs who are rarely in their own venues – El Segundo syndrome, it may as well be your second’s restaurant, not yours
Paying for bread – it’s a basic thing
Clearing the bread before entrée arrives or even before the main – bread is not a course and I may want some more to mop up that excellent sauce
Frozen butter in foil – please explain
Tasteless olive oil for dipping – thanks, I’ll dunk it in my wine instead
Having to ask for table water – it’s a basic thing
Paying for still water – it’s a basic thing
Poor service – it’s fundamental to your view of a venue
Rude service – do you want to keep your clientele or do you think we’re masochists?
Argumentative service – you're an equal opportunity employer who hires bi-polars and people with advanced MS?
Arrogant waitstaff – no tip for you
Not writing down orders – we know you’re human, odds on you’ll mix up the order
Waitstaff asking who ordered which dish – didn’t anyone teach you about cover numbers?
Dirty Cutlery and lipstick stained glasses – thanks but did I hear you say that bacteria was today’s special?
Dirty toilets – my stomach turns at the thought
Torn and dirty staff uniforms – if the front of house looks crap, what’s going on behind the scenes?
Waitstaff leaning over you to reach something – approach from the side I have no desire to smell your armpit
Waitstaff lacking relevant knowledge to their vocation and the menu they’re serving – is Chef too inexperienced to brief front of house and hire trained people?
Clearing plates before everyone has finished the course – in a hurry to go on a break are we?
Being told that we have to leave a restaurant by a certain time - you’ve cut it fine on turning the tables and now you expect me to tip you?
Extortionate winelists – are you trying to get me to drink spirits?
Not having my wineglass topped up or having it over filled – too cheap to hire a sommelier or train the troops?
Loud music – what did you say, oh you’ve lost your voice from shouting
Interiors that amplify sound – what did you say, oh you’ve lost your voice from shouting
Too many seats for the size of the venue – no PG, I didn’t order a side of butt cheek in my face either
Intimate lighting that requires the aid of the light on my phone to read the menu – I’ll just have the steak bumface and pomfriteroles
Bad timing of courses – no order or discipline at the pass
Produce inferior to that which I can source myself – feel cheated and may as well stay home
Commercial processed ingredients – are you kidding, you can’t hide it by having good PR on your side
The innate flavour of the produce killed by seasoning – ok, so you have to be more intelligent to cook simply, but why smother a good thing anyway?
Paper napkins in expensive establishments – hire a laundry service, you can claim it
Expensive wine served in cheap, clunky stemware – what a waste
Low banquettes that leave me resting my chin on the table – I feel like a kid again
Seats so hard you get pins and needles in your posterior – if I wanted to eat like the homeless I’d sit outside on the pavement
Arctic airconditioning – if I wanted to eat like the homeless I’d sit outside on the pavement
Candle smoke from cheap candles – it blocks my nose and gives me asthma
Overpriced Grill restaurants serving cheap tasteless produce – some cheap Greeks ripped me off again
Pretentious venues that skimp on the portions – often the case of style over substance for a skeletal clientele
Portions so large that it takes three diners to consume one meal – next time we’ll order one dish and share
Giant pepper mills – The Chaser said it all
Flaked salt in mini bowls with no utensil provided - it’s a hygiene thing
Waiters who ask “Is everything is OK?” when you have a gob-full – splutter, spit, hmm, shake/nod head
Food that has sat under the heat lamps or Salamander too long and wilted or developed an unintentional skin or crust – if I wanted more skin I’d be dressed in mink, return to sender!
Hot serving plate, cold ingredients, equalling unintentionally wilted, melted or scorched results – wrong, wrong, wrong!
Steak not cooked to order – it’s a basic thing
Well done meat, tuna or salmon – I beg you, stop the massacre
Poor quality coffee and no decent Barista – I’ll have the peppermint tea
Sugar sachets in expensive venues – God is in the details
Guests who feel compelled to broadcast their lives to all others in the venue – put a sock in it and go eat at one of those noisy places
Mobile phone yellers – take it outside, better still get that stupid thing surgically attached, wanker
Passionate kissers – what are you doing here? Take it outside, better still get a room, I'm going to gag
Space invaders who feel the need to encroach on your seat or table – are you trying to bust a move or are you just oblivious to everyone else?
Eating outdoors surrounded by smokers – you may have no palate but don’t inflict it on me
Knives held like scalpels and not overhand as they should be – Mr Sticky, you included. Call Ms Manners! I'm a stickler for traditional dining etiquette
Parents who let their children roam unattended in venues – teach them the joys of dining and involve them in the theatre of the venue
People who need condiments, gravy or tomato sauce on everything – c'mon maaaate!
People who eat the bread as though it were a course – Troglodytes!
Diners who salt and pepper their food before tasting it – the chef does have taste buds
Diners who complain that the meal served is too salty, after doing the above – go figure?
Illegible bills – in this day and age, there’s no excuse not to have an itemised docket
Diners who split hairs over the bill when dining as part of a group – puh-lease! Too rude!
I’m sure I’ve left half of them out. What’s your beef?