TV Casting calls: foodies as cheap fodder

In the Early Period of television broadcasting, the landscape was rapidly populated with locally produced homemaking shows hosted by prim home economists and righteous nutritionists.
These shows exhibited traits inherited practically wholesale from their radio progenitors. In the Modern Period, however, reproduction has become a central concept of television programming.
TV Cooking Shows: The Evolution of a Genre, by Kathleen Collins

Marketers see Food Bloggers as the gate keepers to the food world online and therefore target people like myself. Such is the nature of food blogging. Marketing and PR folk don't really understand blogging and think we operate like journalists, willing to paste their press releases into our templates and hitting publish at the whim of their lascivious approach.


Most recently I find I am becoming the target of casting agencies struggling to locate the required people for their cattle call of TV auditions. And what do I get out of it in return for publicising their auditions? Nada. They get paid, but I don't. Hello, isn't there something wrong with this picture?


Having worked in Marketing and Advertising for over twenty years, I keep abreast of media trends and am fortunate to have insight into the industry. As a consequence I have not regurgitated any of these casting calls here. But for the average food blogger it's different, a casting call may - in the backs of their minds - be construed to be the opportunity to the career in the food media they've always dreamt of. In the main it will not be. More likely it will be a humiliating experience, because cooking shows that use amateurs are all about a free ride for the TV station and production company at the expense of the passionate amateur gastronome.


Think of a traditional, well produced TV show as a banquet. In order to elaborately feed the hunger of many with enticing morsels, thousands of dollars are required, along with a brigade of highly strung creative professionals who take a great deal of time to prepare an offering which is downed in mere moments. After it is served, there is no guarantee of a good review or repeat custom.


The fortunes of any free to air network TV show is determined by Advertising. Production companies dream up TV shows in the hope that they will be purchased by a TV network who - hoping to draw big marketing dollars - in turn shop the idea to media companies and advertising agencies. The idea is to use these gatekeepers to lure multi national company marketing people to spend millions advertising during the airing of the show. Ad dollars then cover cost of producing and purchasing the show with the aim of everyone making a profit.


Advertisers hope that the viewers will be enticed in turn to buy the items advertised. The more popular the show, the higher the ratings, and the better the exposure for the advertisers, who aim for a sales spike and to build brand loyalty - preferably the 'cradle to grave' variety, which influences children and in turn their parents to buy those particular brands for life.


Compared to sit-coms, soap operas, tele-movies, mini-series, comedy and dramas, reality shows are cheap TV shows to make. They are the snack food of TV: highly processed, full of undesirable ingredients and are unhealthy in the grand scheme of not being a source of income for professional actors and media personalities in our small film and television market.


The sets used in reality shows are cheap, the lighting rigs simple and the cast is generally made up mostly of non professionals who, provide their own wardrobe and cost considerably less than actors and performers to hire. And because people leave the room or channel surf during ad breaks, advertisers will also pay for product placement of their goods during the filming of the show, again reducing the cost of the production for the makers. Instead of offering you an adventurously creative meal to dwell on and ruminate over, reality shows are equivalent to the cheap thrill of junk food when a Stoner gets 'the munchies'.


Last year, when it was clear that Big Brother had out stayed its welcome globally on prime time TV, Australia's Channel 10 was hungry to continue reaping the rewards of cheap reality shows filled with free products supplied by advertisers. They followed up with a syndicated version of the USA's Biggest Loser. But although it rated well, this show did not meet the heights of Big Brother in the ratings. It also had a limited scope in terms of which companies would advertise alongside a dieting show.


Then late last year I received an email from a production company asking if I would consider auditioning for a new food show, or at the very least, could I spread the word amongst cooking enthusiasts that auditions were being held?


I declined on both accounts. The show was Australia's syndicated version of Masterchef. It was a concept ripe for heavy product placement of kitchen equipment and packaged food goods, using non actors for entertainment.


When I made background enquiries about Australian MasterChef I discovered that this was not going to take the form of the UK MasterChef, as aired on the Lifestyle Channel, where talented cooks who were looking for a career as a chef were discovered. Instead it was to be a sensationalised reality show hybrid, taking elements of the original and mixing in all the tricks of previous reality shows that played people's natures against each other, distorted personalities with clever editing and generally reduced the contestants to awkward and cliched caricatures. If you will, it was to be a combo cooking show meets Survivor, Big Brother, Idol and Dancing with the Stars.


Being a talented non professional cook was not going to be the primary thrust of the casting of contestants. Typically in this medium, it was key in auditions to locate personalities that could be moulded to create popular entertainment and potentially be marketable in the broader sense of advertising and merchandise opportunities. There would be the scope to guage popular sentiment from the viewership via Social Marketing in order to adjust the show in order to engage the viewers as the series stretched out.


Being in the business of spin myself, I struggle to watch reality shows. For me it's like knowing the ending of a book before I read it. I know exactly what will happen. But worse is the notion that naive individuals will be manipulated and humiliated for an audience braying for blood in the most base form of human nature, for the purposes of entertainment and primarily so that the TV network and production company turn big fat profit.


Reality shows are reliant on drama. If there is no naturally occurring dramatics, they must generate it. They do this by magnifying small things that appear irrelevant in the day to day of the contestants performance, they do it by inserting expressions and sound bites out of context to create 'issues on set'. They do it by repeating these scenes after each ad break. To my chagrin, this is undertaken at the cost of the dignity of contestants aiming for a chance to change their fortunes.


Aussie MasterChef's final episode recorded an average national audience of 3.745 million, making it the most watched non-sport TV show, beating out Australian Idol in 2004 which held the previous record of 3.3million viewers. Capitalising on this success in the near future will be the celebrity version of the show and a childrens version is up for discussion.


The advertisers involved are ecstatic to say the least, and naturally the other networks are scrambling for their piece of the action. Before the MasterChef series had finished airing, I was sent a casting call for Channel 9's The Coles Great Aussie Cook Off, a show that "aims to find Australia's greatest family of cooks". The idea would appear to be a spin off of a Coles instore promotion which was a “real-time shop & cook competition”. Not a supporter of the big two supermarkets, I again declined to promote the show.


Channel 7 is not to be left out, a couple of weeks later they too contacted me for their show My Kitchen Rules which is not a follow up to My Restaurant Rules but a challenge between teams of two home cooks, filmed cooking in their own kitchens. They are required to transform their homes into a restaurant "for one pressure filled night" - heaven help us! How cheap is that? And thus far no indication of a prize for any contestants.


And finally, the last horse to bolt over my line is the LifeStyle Food Channels' Come Dine With Me. This is syndicated from the UK's Granada production and is also produced in Germany, France, Hungary, Spain, Croatia, Greece, Turkey, The Netherlands, Sweden and Norway. Twenty half hour episodes are planned to air early next year, with hopes that it will be as big a success as its tedious UK counterpart, which has run to nine series.


If you haven't seen it, this one takes five average folk who feel that they are good dinner party cooks and hosts. Again they cook in their home kitchens, taking it in turns to host a dinner party for the other contestants, who then grade them on their performance. Expect to hear petty comments, general nastiness, personality clashes, whilst witnessing teary melt-downs and amateur dramatics along with tasteless decor and general humiliations, in this even cheaper production. In England contestants vie for a thousand pound prize, but as this show has not announced any sponsors, a prize is yet to be determined.


Watching the networks scramble into this genre is fascinating to watch. The success of their productions will be weighted heavily on their timing and execution. My advice is if you plan to dip your toe into the action, be wary and go in with a sense of humour. Expect nothing and you may be pleasantly surprised. But most of all be prepared to be manipulated cheaply for entertainment purposes.

From Ratatouille to Meatballs

The tiny town of Chewandswallow was very much like any other tiny town except for its weather which came three times a day, at breakfast lunch and dinner.

But it never rained rain and it never snowed snow and it never blew just wind. It rained things like soup and juice. It snowed things like mashed potatoes. And sometimes the wind blew in storms of hamburgers.

Life for the townspeople was delicious until the weather took a turn for the worse. The food got larger and larger and so did the portions. Chewandswallow was plagued by damaging floods and storms of huge food. the town was a mess and the people feared for their lives.

Something had to be done, and in a hurry.

Get ready for the hype machine! Soon to be released in the USA is the animated movie 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs'. Based on a children's book written by author Judi Barrett and illustrated by Ron Barrett it's about a town where it rains food at meal times and features James Caan and Mr T along with the stars Bill Hader and Anna Faris.


In the making since August 2006, Aussies will have to wait until November 26 before they can see it. Meanwhile it will debut in US cinemas on September 18, and Sony has slated it's release to video games for XBox 360, PSP, Playstation 3, Wii and Nintendo DS on September 9.


Co-directors Philip Lord and Chris Miller say that it will be an homage to and parody of disaster movies such as Twister, Armageddon, but I wonder, will the foodie theme be enough to make it as popular with audiences as Ratatouille was?

WTF? Spotted in Asia

New Zealand Cheddar and White Chocolate Doughnut
sounds odd but a good tasting combo on a light, fluffy doughnut

Happy toast and doughnut keyrings

Firecracker lobster crisps: A curious flavour but great with a beer

Another food journey has just ended, we called this one the Hawker Nose Bag Holiday. My cholesterol must be through the roof and I've got fat in spite of wandering until foot sore in hot and extremely humid conditions.

We sampled so many hawker morsels that by the end of the trip I felt nauseous from all the lard, ghee, coconut cream, condensed milk, sugar and refined flours, we consumed. But it was a trip of a lifetime as the business of hawker food in South East Asia lessens in popularity and younger generations go to university in order to move beyond family food stalls into professional lives. Stay tuned for some delicious tales from the Hawker Nose Bag Holiday.

My Restaurant. It’s All Yours

Photo reproduced from The Age Online

"...it has my South Yarra friend wanting to claim it as her local
even though it's 10 minutes' drive away"
Matt Preston, The Age

Imagine if you will, a creamy sweetness that make your taste buds shriek, fused like a fine lacquer to a shattering shard of crispness. For most people this is heaven, and even though - due to a surfeit of taste buds -I am not a sweet tooth, I too was transported.

They say our predilection for foods that are both sweet and fat is a consequence of primal instinct. Apparently food occurring in nature that is not poisonous is generally both fatty in texture and sweet, which makes it desirable to all mankind. We are all also drawn to things that are thin and crisp, hence the popularity of deep fried snacks like crisps.

But I digress; you might assume - given the description of this particular confection - I was in a fine patisserie, eating a concoction originally served upon gilded platters to people of royal extraction. You'd be wrong.

I was at My Restaurant. No, not my own restaurant, that's the name of the venue. The setting itself is a scruffy low rent building, but bucking the trend for cafes and bars filled with grubby thrift-shop style furniture, it has clean modern dining tables and chairs. Common to modern dining venues there is also the ubiquitous open kitchen, but this one is fronted by a bain-marie filled with curries. Ok so, it doesn't sound flash, but it is honest and clean, your cutlery sits in baskets on the table with paper napkins and you can clearly see the selection of beverages in the drinks fridge, which you may happen to sit next to.

I don't tend to frequent venues based on décor, hype or fashion. My favourites are all about the food. So this place is one of my little secrets, a place where I don't have to fight for a table with people who want to be seen, and although I am loath to give it up, that amazing sweet has finally loosened my tongue. Location-wise, My Restaurant is off most people's radars, being away from Chapel Street in the least sexy part of High Street, Windsor, not far from Edwards Tavern.

In the last couple of years I've probably eaten more meals at My Restaurant than anywhere else, because not only is the food delicious, it is cheap and unpretentious. The service is friendly and eager, and I like that sometimes the staff's kids are doing homework at the next table. I also like that I can get a meal at My Restaurant, after 9pm after going to the theatre on a Monday night. And I don't think we've ever spent more than $14 for two courses, inclusive of drinks.

My Restaurant is a Mamak (Tamil Muslim) restaurant. It is halal, serving food from Singapore, Malaysia and South India. Although open for lunch seven days a week, you won't be able to dine here on Friday or Saturday night. The clientele is mostly South East Asian along with students of all nations and those who have travelled and developed a taste for such food. And the food, including the excellent roti, is cooked to order. The turnover is fast, with regulars also picking up takeaways.

The menu lists sixty two items - of which there are about thirty vegetarian options - however you will see even more items adorning the walls on a vinyl banner. Some of these items, such as idlis are only available on Sunday. There are Murtabak, stuffed roti with a side of curry sauce; long delicate Dosai, fermented rice crepes rolled with a variety of fillings and served with sambol and chutneys; fried noodles and Biryani rice's. I prefer Nonya style noodles, so am not a fan of the three Mee Goreng listed.

There are two curries however, that I might even crawl over hot coals for: the goat curry -which I can never resist - and the Chilli prawn. The goat is complex, unctuous, slightly oily and tender. The prawns seem a simple dish but strike a perfect balance in flavor. Both can be ordered to have with rice, roti or vadai; either may be ordered in medium or large portions.

Often I'm drawn to the Roti meal – a thali featuring a generous serve of roti, raita and three curries from the bain marie. Unlike many venues in Melbourne, the roti is made to order. Various curries, many of them vegetable, that don't appear on the menu can be tasted in this package, though invariably I cannot resist making the goat curry one of them. Like a small child at a sweet counter, I take my time choosing my three curries, frequently succumbing to trying something new at the suggestion of the staff.

Recently the treasure trove of a bain-marie gave up a minced lamb curry, subtly spiced, containing chunks of potato in a thin, non dairy based sauce that fabulously lacked the cloying fattiness of many lamb dishes. It also boasted a chicken curry had the silky texture of poached chicken in a delicious creamy orange sauce seasoned with a garam that tasted vaguely of nigella seeds.

The raita changes too, my favourite is the bright green mint raita which is a perfect palate cleanser and bridge between the various curries and takes the edge of any searing chilli hits. I tried to get the recipe, but it's a closely held family secret.

Roti is a specialty at My Restaurant. I love watching it being stretched, tossed and folded on the large griddle. There are twelve varieties listed, you can have it with an assortment of embellishments: onion, eggs, cheese, chilli, banana and other sweet toppings. And then there's the wonderful Kottu roti – where it is finely shredded with a manic two handed chopping action on the griddle plate, then tossed with seasonings, green chilli, egg and your choice of meat or vegetables.

And now to the piece de resistance, that wonder of wonders I described in the beginning, Tissu Roti. A large circle of paper thin roti cooked with ghee is folded into a cone. Unctuous condensed milk made rich with the melted ghee or margarine, or both, is poured over the hot cone of pastry and fuses like caramel to form layer upon layer of toasted sweetness.

Its arrival strikes awe as it sits likes Harry Potter's sorting hat upon the table; a perfectly crisp roti and so fine as to be like caramel lacquered pastry. It's irresistible as you gradually eat your way around the cone, pulling off more crisp, sticky shards that melt in your mouth. A small pool of the caramel - like a vaguely salted, thin, Dulce de Leche - sits at the base of the plate and can be used to dip into for those who prefer their desserts extra sweet.

Wiping the unctuous sweet ooze from my face, I washed down the Tissu Roti with delicious, strong, Tea Tarik, containing yet more condensed milk. It's probably the most sugar I've consumed in the last month, but boy, was it worth it. Now, imagining the sweet crunch between my teeth has me wanting it and goat curry all over again.

Now my secret's out, please share it sparingly. I'd still like to get a seat.

My Restaurant and Takeaway

186 High Street, Windsor, Victoria

ph: 9521 4100

The flavor of grass

"Ponder well on this point:
the pleasant hours of our life are all connected by a
more or less tangible link, with some memory of the table."
Charles Pierre Monselet (1825-1888)

I always think best whilst lying on my back.

In Ben's Balinese villa, Dewi sunk her lithe, oily fingers into the knots in my limbs, massaging away the humdrum of city life. A sense of relief swept over me. In tranquil surrounds, with my eyes closed, I was comfortably numb. A moment of pure stillness held my focus, before a childhood memory bubbled to the surface.

I was of course lying on my back. Around my neck was a daisy chain, and around me bees droned their way across the lawn. In the quiet, I had been transported back to when I was six years old, lying cushioned on the turf of the common that lay behind our house in England.

I recall I was chewing a young shoot of grass. The sweetness of the white of the shoot filled my mouth and as I made my way towards the dark tip, I was totally mesmerized by the complexity of its flavours: sweet, sharp, mellow and then finishing bitter.

Clouds rolled over the sun. Feeling a sudden chill I rolled over and sat up. There she was, waving me over; Auntie Renee or rather Ree-nie as she liked to be called.

Renee was our neighbor. A stout, childless woman with brassy hair and a penchant for bright, floral aprons, who had in her middle age, finally married her childhood sweetheart. When they were young, her beau Bert had gone to war. Renee had married another - one unable to be sent away - an older man. But Bert was constant and would have no other; she his only beloved. He waited for her. And when her husband died, he again patiently courted her.

Standing by the gate at the rear of her house Renee had been watching me amuse myself. We were silently bonded by our shared a secret: we hid Mum's crippling depression, even from Dad.

We said nothing. Taking me inside, my co-conspirator handed me a glass of milk and a Marmite sandwich; thick, sweet white bread, spread thickly with butter and the cloying, tangy-savoury, yeasty, black spread. Just as with the grass, I paused over each bite and dissected the experience - taking in the textures and the complexity of the Marmite, neutralised by the richness of a mouthful of unpasteurised milk. A simple yet reassuring meal for a precocious palate, watched over by a bemused sympathiser.

Next door, mum was fast asleep. On my summer holidays, she spent most of the day unable to rouse herself from her bed. Rising only a couple of hours before Dad came home, she'd fly into a frenzy of activity, tidying the house and preparing dinner.

On school days I would go into her wardrobe and pick out clothes for her, dragging them off hangers and placing them on the bed before climbing up to kiss and hold her until she was roused.

On the worst days I would pull on her outstretched hands to drag her out of bed. Then, she would - as if on auto pilot - boil me an egg and make me a slice of toast, served with a glass of milk, while I put on my school uniform. She held my hand and trudged the short distance to the school gates, expressionless and lost in the quagmire of her confused thoughts.

For many years I detested the thought of boiled eggs and glasses of milk. I couldn't bring myself to have them and by then my nutty professor father had concluded that milk contained too many sugars and would potentially rot my teeth. By the time I was old enough to make my own breakfast, to my relief, the school was given instructions that I was neither to have milk at recess, nor with my typically nasty British school dinners.

The demon that held Mum clenched between its jaws was not to have a name or treatment until she was almost sixty. In its grip she was frail and vulnerable. I rode her illness with resolve. Like being on the front of the most torturous roller coaster, I stoically withheld my anguish for nearly 40 years. But in the face of her personality disorder, Mum triumphed every night with amazing Cantonese, pan-Asian and Fusion food. She gave this skill to me - it is also how I show that I love my closest friends and my own beloved.

The night before Dewi's massage opened the door that led me back to my childhood, I had cooked a meal in our friend's Balinese villa. Guided unconsciously by my inner muse, it was a pan-Asian, it was fusion and I was sharing it with people I loved.

On three long, modern rectangular silver platters sat mahi-mahi barbecued with Sumatran rempah on rice noodles; a cucumber, coriander, shallot, green mango salad with smoked chicken and a light Vietnamese dressing, garnished with crushed peanuts; a salad of the slimmest young green beans, blanched and rolled in sesame oil, tossed with roasted red capsicum and fresh young watercress, and then drizzled with balsamic vinegar.

I owe that skill and the enjoyment of cooking to my mother, who somehow, through the blur of her mental illness was always able to show me her love and appreciation via her creative cookery.

My life has been in many respects like the young grass shoot; sweet and sharp - at times mellow - with a bitter finish. While I would not wish it on others, it has certainly been a character building journey.

And in that magic moment, while being soothed with small expert Asian hands kneading away my pain - lying on my back thinking - I finally understood my 'cooking mojo' and where to locate it.

Makan Pagi Canggu: Masakan Padang

Call me a masochist but there is definitely pleasure
in certain kinds of pain.

It was mid morning and the sun was intense. Mango trees - boughs heavy with green fruit - cast magnificent shadows on the ground, and dappled the light on the faces of children in orange plaid school uniforms making their way up and down the main street of the village. Uncomfortably damp, I tried to find a breeze but the humid air hung like a wet blanket, dashing any hopes of my emerging into a cool oasis. Just moments before, I had been in a delicious kind of hell.

Inside, the moisture had beaded heavily on my skin. Rivulets of sweat ran down my face and swam in a pool on my chest that was feeding a stream between my breasts to my belly. My hair clung to my neck like a wet rag, my shirt gradually becoming sheer with moisture. I counted my blessings that Balinese women traditionally wore semi sheer Kebayas, and that I wouldn't be offending anyone with the emerging outline of my bra through my thin linen shirt.

A comment was made that I looked like I had been crying, but looking around the weathered old timber table and rattan chairs; I found that I wasn't the only one suffering this condition. In the heat of the shady outdoor room, with our feet planted on a cool tiled floor, we were all red faced, blotchy and wet. Three foreigners suffering in the airless climes of a Canggu village eatery in Bali - earnestly pressed into our pursuit. All of us exploring our preference for native cuisine, over Cuisine Touristic, while pointlessly trying to mop the resulting perspiration from our heads.

Gasping for air, a tidal wave of chilli and spice induced sweat prickled my pores and welled up behind my knees as I made my way through a meal that few foreign visitors deign to eat, and to that end a plate was pushed away, barely touched by the fourth person in our party. For me, the pleasure of eating was intense - despite the feeling that I was sitting atop an erupting volcano, turning me into a leaking human spigot.

I wondered what the cook and host must think of us – was she proud or were we to become a hilarious anecdote to be told to others in the village? I know we're crazy, that's a given. And it was certainly worth it to take this journey into her culinary inferno. Her dishes were so tasty, with melt in the mouth meat, intentionally chewy fish, and fresh vegetables. These Indonesian dishes were prepared in ways that offered a range of textures and flavours that celebrated the spices native to the region.

Now people keep telling me that the Balinese don't like chilli, but every time I have eaten like the locals in village 'restorans' and hawker stalls I have found myself in the grip of a heavily spiced meal with the full side effects of capsaicin. This particular meal was Masakan Nasi Padang, an Indonesian spread of various curries, deep fried items, sambol (chilli chutneys) and blanched vegetables eaten with rice. The recipes originated in West Sumatra, the cuisine of the Minangkabau and usually halal, but the Hindu Balinese also love it and they include pork in the selection.

For this style of eating, a generous serve of steamed rice is added to your plate and a selection of toppings chosen from either the window display of the venue or from a glass cabinet in an open air venue or hawker stall. In larger, city restaurants, all the items displayed are dished up on separate plates - often covering your entire table - and you pay only for those you have sampled. Uneaten dishes are transferred to the next table for their perusal. None of this food is refrigerated. It is believed that the spices actually preserve the food to a certain degree.

In this particular instance the venue was at the front of a family home, with cooking and preparation occurring in the family kitchen, the drinks station and the behind the the street facing display. In a glass cabinet fronting the main road of the village there were three stainless steel bain-marie inserts sitting on a tiled bench with heavily sauced curries. Next along the bench were four more, with deep fried then sauced dishes, another with soy braised eggs, and three of blanched vegetables. Balancing on top were a stainless bowl of peanut sauce used on Gado Gado or sate, and a dish of fresh green chilli sambol. On the glass shelf above towered plates of deep fried meats & patties arranged in columns and something that had been grilled in banana leaves.

From a large rice cooker a mound of fluffy steamed rice was dispensed to our plates. I chose Rendang immediately. This particular beef Rendang was the real deal – a dry curry made with an intense, dark rempah that is is designed to soften the sinews in beef. An excellent example of one of our home staples, this one was complex in its range of spices and ramped things up again from the generic, thickly sauced version - employing coconut milk - that I had eaten the night before in a restaurant catering to the local expat community.

I passed over the coconut curry with slow braised pork and green vegetables and went for small dice of tempeh marinated in tamarind, onion, chilli and sweet Kecap Manis, that had been fried crisp. From the next platter came grated, deep fried potato stir-fried with chilli, tamarind, galangal and tomato, which was chewy and tangy – a great foil for the dry curry. From the top shelf I chose a couple of plain fritters, as it turned out, the only items I picked that did not contain chilli, but went very well with the explosive green chilli sambol. Finally I chose blanched Kangkung – water spinach – with bean shots and semi sweet palm sugar infused peanut sauce flecked with minced lemongrass, galangal and tiny ballistic strength chillis.

I passed a tablespoon of the green chilli sambol to Mr Sticky to eat with his meal but unfortunately his breakfast brain was engaged, driving him to mistakenly put the whole lot in his mouth at once. He sat very still and realizing his anguish, I surrendered one of my corn fritters to him to rescue his mouth. In return I found myself with a mouthful of deep fried mackerel encrusted with pulverised red chilli – seeds and oil; deliciously excruciating.

When I felt that I could not go on, I reached for a few sheets from the green plastic table top toilet paper dispenser and mopped my entire head. Then taking a mouth of Kopi Susu - finely ground local coffee taken like Turkish coffee and stirred through with condensed milk - I found the sweet, gritty beverage took the edge off my pain for five seconds. The heaviness of the condensed milk carried most of the coffee grounds to the bottom of the glass and the result was strong, creamy coffee, forming the perfect counterfoil to a palate whimpering for mercy from the after burn of local style Nasi Padang. The respite was enough to allow me to forge once more into Hades.

The pain made it difficult to speak. We concentrated mostly silently on our own personal Everest's, climbing painfully to the peak of intensity and navigating our way carefully down the other side, while our abstaining friend drank coffee and spoke of other things, of what I'm not sure. I found it took my full morning concentration to compose each mouthful upon my spoon, in such a way that I would not repeat Mr Sticky's mistake with the sambol.

When my plate was clean – bar a wedge of rice that I was too full to eat – I felt as though I had run ten kilometers in the desert wearing a plastic suit. I was exhausted, invigorated and burning inside and out. I felt the hot slurry engorging my gastrointestinal tract. We concluded that this must be the way to stay slim in a climate that makes exercise outdoors difficult. With cries of 'Enak sagali' (delicious) we surrendered two dollars each for our meal and walked out to the street in search of a cool breeze.

I felt the heat in my body for a long time, sustaining me and robbing me of hunger for many more hours than usual after a meal. Lunch passed with no inclination to eat. The abstainer amongst us ate chocolate brownies purchased at the local market over the course of the afternoon, but I felt that nothing more could pass my lips save, iced lime tea.

When we made it back to our villa, I plunged into the pool and felt steam rising from my head as I endeavoured to shake off the residue of the delicious gut burning heat. I bobbed there with the flavours still lingering in my mind and on my tongue. All thoughts of the pain superseded by the exhilaration of the adventure and endorphin rush, the madness of the moment and the sheer love of life.

Momo under the knife

“God, grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

Greg Malouf is a brave man. A few years back, after a couple of heart bypass operations and a heart transplant saw him taking it easy in the dessert section of his Melbourne restaurant Momo - and his anointed Kurt Sampson at the pass - he would cheerfully cut himself a portion of cheese along with each one ordered by a customer, keeping a spoon in his back pocket so as to avail himself of a mouthful of crème fraîche whenever he went into the cool room.

He knew it would have a serious impact on his already fragile health. But I wonder, is this perhaps the passion for the delicious, along with sheer determination, that has seen him rise again and again like the mythical phoenix?

In the spirit of disclosure, I’ve long been a fan of Greg's. In fact since years ago in Hong Kong when he and Michelle Garnaut brought a taste of what Aussie foodiephiles were taking for granted at their venue 97 in Lang Kwai Fong. I recall my uncle proudly taking us to latest hot spot in Honkers only to see his face fall when my father said – “Yeah this is the kind of trendy Yuppie stuff we get at home. I bet this guy’s an Aussie”.

Dad was right. It was Greg’s cooking. After a stint in Melbourne with Dennis Hagger and stages in France and in Austria, followed by employment under local gastronomical luminaries Mietta O’Donnell, Gloria Staley and Hermann Schneider, his talent began to emerge in earnest.

So I have followed his career, visited Malouf family restaurants, gone to Stones to await the return of Momo, read the cookbooks, attended the master-classes and got the autograph. I am not ashamed of my fascination, following his progress has been very fulfilling on the palate and always left me groaning with excessive abundance. Thankfully my career has grown along with his, allowing me an occasional extravagant meal made by his own hands.

Greg is the first to admit that he used to over complicate his dishes with an exuberant amassing of ingredients, but with experience it is evident that he has gradually pared things back. He himself has said that he has learned restraint. I have never tired of the evolution of his cooking and in the latest incarnation of Momo we see a very mature offering which I would deign to say makes other local ‘hot’ ethnically focused chefs seem way less sophisticated in their conceptualisation.






The dining room at the new Momo is a swish adddition to Collins Street's Grand Hyatt. It reminds me of the fashionable luxe dining rooms that my parents took me to in Europe in the 1970’s. There is abundant space between both the large, comfortable seats and the tables, unlike so many fashionable Melbourne venues where a private conversation is out of the question.

The lighting is soft – if a little dark for photography where I was seated at the head of a table of eight diners - and the feel is golden. Gone, are the ethnic dark wood screens and faux Levantine panoply. In its place, highlighted by Swarovski pendants of twinkling light, is the ideal vehicle for fine dining; smooth and luxurious without being ostentatious or intimidating. Greg’s Kitchen is no longer in view, leaving a hushed space jingling with the chorus of excited revellers and excellent, discreet waitstaff.


Perfectly in keeping with this is the food. My friends were looking forward to more of the same from the old Momo, but as we ate, I realised that the food of the old Momo is now being served at Mama Ganoush, and that it would feel a little out of place in the current environment. Clearly Greg has moved on and with it has come a delicious, grown up space to match the new direction in cooking. While I curled my toes with happiness, a friend was disappointed at the loss of rusticity.

Our choice was slightly curtailed by one of our group not liking any form of aquatic comestible, something that we were all forced to avoid due to the restaurant not serving a la carte. Two polite phone calls preceeding the evening covered this and any allergies to be considered, along with my credit card details. The shared meal concept and prices were discussed, and you will see them on the menu above. There would appear to be two sittings and we chose 8.30pm.

The wine list covers a lot of ground and I was grateful to the Sommelier as I had to find a happy medium between the type of wine I knew my friends favoured, and what would be most complementary to Greg's cooking.

From the menu our group chose the $100pp Arabesque Sharing Menu of two entrees, two mains, two sides and all the desserts. We knew that we did not have the fortitude to eat any more than that, as tempting as it may have been. At one masterclass, Greg had said that it was against the values that his mother had instilled in him to serve tiny portions.

Unlike Greg’s shared degustations at Stone’s this was not a slew of self service dishes to hand from person to person at the table. Adding to the sense of refinement, two waiters attended us, plating up and reviving the seldom seen art of silver service in Melbourne. After detailed descriptions and happy banter from Stuart we set upon the items on our plates.


First came the mini pita breads that A1 Bakery used to bake for Greg, though I believe they are now made on premise. Small puffed discs of heaven arrived on a bread board with olive oil mixed with pomegranate molasses. At the other end sat a burnished Turkish coffee pot filled with crudites. They were gloriously young and crisp while the bread formed a fluffy foil dipped in unctuous oil with sweet, tart molasses. A bottle of 96 Marc Bredif Vouvray, scented with stone fruit set us up for the first two courses.


The first plate we had chosen was Musakhan. Mountain bread shrouds wrapped daintily around subtly spiced quail meat, a paste of chickpeas and shallots. Where once Greg might have used this dish to smack you in the face with cinnamon and baharat - and he would have served it in a pouch - we had a morsel more akin to a lighter, eastern European dumpling in its pared back refinement.

Crunchy golden kataifi wrapped zucchini flowers with almond and barberry rice stuffing served with hot yoghurt sauce were a delicate and crisp three mouthfuls of earthy flavour. The textures were the focus in a way that is missed in the almost too common battered favourite of the Melbourne bistro scene.

His fattouché is something I have eaten on a number of occasions and although not ordered, was curious about its new refinement - along with that of the pigeon bistayeea. I would have loved to have also tried the Ras el Hanout King Prawns with crab and preserved lime. The Weekend Australian described it as ‘halved and bulging with crab, tomato and angel hair noodles is like a spaghetti marinara, refined and revisited’.

The milk fed veal was melt in the mouth and sat with a slim dolmade. Sinking into an intense velvety parsnip skordalia it had a sensual quality. I lingered over each mouthful discerning the subtle notes of ginger with pepper and a vague hint of cinnamon that reminded me of a gentle version of a Vietnamese braise. Alongside, Nicola potatoes, beets and courgettes with melted cumin gruyere formed a rich melange of comforting flavours. Thankfully the 06 Poderi Colla Barbera had enough clout for those at the table who are accustomed to big Aussie reds, but not as to overpower the dish.

The Honey cardamom duck was so luscious as to make me wish that it was a dish that would never end. I have always held the impression that Greg’s handling of duck stems from working with a team of Chinese chefs in the 97 days and no doubt impresses Hong Kong diners at Restaurant Olive, where he consults. The spicy Sujuk sausage made with ground lamb shoulder, a puddle of lentils and creamy labneh layered the sensations on the palate, sitting well with the vaguely salty side order of creamed feta spinach.


True to Greg’s palate the sweets were a little overwhelming for me. I am not a sweet tooth but I thought they were marvellous - even if I had to shunt my fairy chimney meringue across to my beloved in defeat. They are the same little delicacies that feature on the cover of his book Tourquoise, but in this instance filled with a rich white chocolate mousse.


Three of the desserts arrived together arranged on the one plate. I began with the pear baklava with candied walnuts. The pastry formed a thin, crisp maple leaf shaped sandwich to the sticky pear and was lubricated by a blob of crème fraîche. I wondered how Greg’s health is.


I took a sweet, crisp mouthful of the meringue next, then moved onto the small gilt glass filled with Mejdool date Brûlée ice cream. Removing the wafer I sunk my spoon in. My head spun with the sweet, creamy intensity of the contents and then I snapped into the wafer. Oh my! This glassy disc of colourless mastic toffee encircled by a crescent of honey cardamon tuille truly took my breath away.


In this sweet I had the memory of George Calombaris’ spoon of mastic toffee that is served at the end of his Press Club Symposium degustation - as a much needed digestif. But Greg’s was the sophisticated version, tricky, but not made in a theatrical way, just serving exactly the same purpose in an adult manner and providing a textural foil to the feast.


I set the wafer and toffee aside for last and waded into the final dessert of poached stone fruit, fresh and dried figs which had become lacquered by the melting prickly pear sorbet. Three pale orange quenelles of sorbet crowned the fruit, a soft pastel palette of autumn that complemented the maple leaf shaped baklava I had just devoured. The plush feel of the fruit yeilding in my mouth sat in semi erotic contrast to the other desserts.


A glass of Heggies Sticky served alongside dessert made me feel light headed with sweetness, and ready for a cup of peppermint tea. A number of tea blends are offered, along with Turkish coffee. The Sahara mint blend was perfectly fragrant without being overly pungent and arrived with six petit fours. Perhaps overkill, but joyous to the sweet tooth's at the table who chose neither tea, nor coffee but were quick to savour the rest of these morsels after I chose a dark chocolate oozing with profoundly piquant raspberry filling.


For the first time ever I did not feel overstuffed and exhausted like a teary toddler after one of Greg’s meals. I felt elated as always and still sated. The meal was as much food for thought and rumination, as for the obvious. Straggling, our party were the last to leave the restaurant, seen off to the lift by a procession of weary staff, glad no doubt to see the end of their working day. I applaud their efforts.


If there was one thing that marred my experience of Momo, it was the thudding doof-doof of a sub woofer coming from the adjoining Spice Market Bar - Mezze & cocktail lounge. I felt it vibrate our table like a passing hoon on Sydney Road and the rhythmic thud felt at odds with the mood of the restaurant. The contorted faces of Spice Market patrons pressed up against the windows looking into Momo evoked the feeling that I was a Shrink looking on to an asylum. Perhaps, by the time I have saved enough shekels to pay another visit, this will have changed?

MOMO

Grand Hyatt Melbourne
Lower Plaza - entry via lift opposite bar Ru Co

123 Collins Street, Melbourne, Australia

ph. +61(3) 9650 0660